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ASSISTED LIVING CONVERSATIONS - Talking to your parents about Assisted Living

have you been feeling like your parent

is at the point where they're no longer

able to stay safely in their home and

he's talking to them about moving to an

assisted living met with denial

resistance or even anger well don't you

worry because in this video I'm going to

share with you some new approaches so

you can change up your conversation and

help them come to the yes that you want

to hear hi there I'm Sophia and I'm

bringing you new videos every Tuesday to

help you be a more successful more

satisfied and more informed family

caregiver is there anything more

frustrating than truly wanting what's

best for your parent but it's met with

resistance and they'll have no part of

it well this is what often happens when

you just want them to be safe and taken

care of and you suggest an assisted

living facility it may make no sense to

you why your loved one would be so

resistant to something that would be

such a good thing for them one likely

reason for them to dig their heels in

and refuse to leave their home is fear

perhaps fear of change fear of the cost

fear of the unknown fear of not fitting

in or not liking it or fear of losing

their independence and their long term

home these are very legitimate fears and

they shouldn't be minimized try to

empathize with their fears and not make

your parents feel bad for having them

you might say something like you've

lived here for a really long time it

must be really hard to consider making a

change but if you have the support and

the help you need it might be a little

easier

if your parent says something like I

don't want to move there's just too many

memories here you can reply yeah you're

right I have a lot of good memories here

too but the good thing about memories is

they go with you wherever you go if your

parents argument is that they love their

home and they don't want to move you can

remind them that the home is lovely but

it's just getting too big too clean it's

too much maintenance and too much cost

if your parent says you promised me that

you would have moved me into a facility

or that you promised I could live a home

forever your response could be you're

right I did promise that based on the

information I had at the time but things

have changed and we really need to make

decisions on what's going on now another

reason your parent might be resistant to

a change is they simply don't want to be

told what to do and especially not by

one of their children - your parent your

suggestions might sound preachy or naggy

or bossy the way that you pose your

questions could really have an impact on

how well your parent can hear you and

and how they're gonna respond back to

you so my general recommendation would

be not to start a sentence with the

words who what where or why or how for

instance sentences like this what's

gonna happen to you who's gonna watch

out over you why don't you listen to me

can you hear how sentences that start

with these words often sound accusatory

they will immediately put your parent on

the defense and the automatic response

is going to be to disengage and refuse

to to continue the conversation they're

not going to want to listen to you no

matter what you have to say even if

you're right instead start your

sentences with the word I I'm so worried

about you

I just want you to be safe and cared for

I'm concerned because you're falling you

must be concerned about that to your pen

is gonna be much more open to at least

having a conversation if this is how you

bring it up and that's all you can ask

for is a chance to have a conversation

your parents a doctor can also be a

really good advocate for moving and you

can ask them ahead of time to bring it

up as a suggestion at their next

doctor's appointment if your parent

continues to be resistant then ask them

what your concerns are and be ready to

respond to any of those fears that I

mentioned earlier and if they have

questions about assisted living then you

need to be ready with an answer to their

questions so to help you out I'll go

ahead and put a link to one of my videos

at the end of this one that will provide

information on everything about assisted

living facilities assure your parent

that this is their decision and that

you're not going to make them do

anything that they don't want to do if

your parent shows even a little bit of

interest then you better jump on that

opportunity and take them out hopefully

you've done your research ahead of time

and narrow down a local 2 or 3

facilities that you think your parent

might like and that's within your budget

range right away take them out to tour

or at least show them some pictures

online of the facilities to give them an

idea

make sure your parent knows that you're

just looking you're just gathering

information and that they don't have to

make any kind of decision now if you do

go visit ask to tour rooms that are

already furnished to Rane an empty room

and can really seem depressing and they

feel really small but a furnished room

will show that the room can be decorated

nicely and it feels so much more homey

your parent might also be able to do a

short stay at one of the facilities in

your area for maybe like a week or even

a month they might be more agreeable to

this than making a full-on commitment

right away if they stay for a short time

they're going to be able to participate

in all the activities and the program's

they'll get to meet some people they'll

get to sit in the dining room and try

out the food this is a great way to ease

them into the idea and after seeing that

the other residents there are happy and

active and engaged it just might help

change their mind also if you have any

family members or friends who live in an

assisted living facility maybe it's time

to take a visit to them you really just

want to peek your parents interest and

get your foot in the door if your parent

still has mental capacity then it's

ultimately of their decision and you

can't force anything on them this is

often the most difficult realization for

adult children that their parents have a

right to make a decision and a choice

even if it's not what you want for them

and even if it puts them in danger

sometimes you might have to wait until

things get worse before they can get

better that means waiting for another

fall or another hospitalization or

illness but every time something happens

bring up the topic again one important

thing to remember is that it might take

five or ten or fifteen times to bring it

up before your parent might agree to

make a move bringing it up once or twice

it's just not enough for some of our

parents so don't give up and if they're

really resistant then back off for a

little while maybe four weeks or even a

few months you'll have another

opportunity to bring it up again and

every time you bring it up and they

refuse don't get mad just chalk it up as

being one more try closer to the time

that they're gonna say yes for many of

you your parents might not need assisted

living yet and this is the best time to

start the conversation way

so you can ask them you're doing so good

at home right now but what will it look

like when you're no longer able to stay

here how will we recognize when it's

time to consider a move it'll be their

insight and ideas and they're saying the

words themselves out loud that's gonna

make it easier for you down the road in

the future unfortunately there is no

magic formula that's going to help get

your parent to move it's going to

require patience loving encouragement

and support over time take a look at

these videos for more information on

assisted living facilities and how to

pay for them if this information was

helpful today then please go ahead and

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watching today and I'll see you next

time