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Should I Leave My Alcoholic Spouse? Should I Leave My Marriage?

mono I am an adult child of an alcoholic

life coach and mentor and I would like

to read you something dear Lisa I'm a 19

year old adult child of an alcoholic my

dad is a raging drunk he is physically

abusive to my mom and she won't leave

him I am struggling with guilt as I am

leaving for college soon I have begged

my mom to leave him but she says she

cannot because she believes he needs her

I feel like she cannot see me or even

see herself I am worried about her and

wonder what will happen when I leave any

advice would be greatly appreciated

sheesh step 1 and anyone out there who

is the adult child of an alcoholic or

who has ever loved in alcoholic was born

into a family where drugs and/or alcohol

or some type of addiction is taking

place whether it's shop off you know

Shopaholic or narcissist or

perfectionist or workaholic or gambler

whatever we are born to people who

really do not see us they cannot see us

they can only see the dynamic and

they're obsessed with the dynamic and so

I don't know these people personally but

this dynamic is not unfamiliar and it's

very commonplace where we're in this

case dad is the alcoholic and he is the

one with the addiction to the chemical

substance and mom sounds like she is

addicted to managing him and his

addiction

it sounds like mom is more worried about

the relationship than she is about mom

and more worried about the relationship

and the context of the relationship and

whatever the militia is then she is

about her son

she can't see her son's needs all she

can see is this dynamic dysfunction

between she and the alcoholic and it is

so mind-bending that it is so consuming

and it's it's rather frightening because

it is as if just this woman and this

man and his family is living inside a

snow globe and they have their own rules

and regulations that they're adhering to

and nothing else matters it's it's

everything else that's going on the way

people see them the way other people

live in a more healthy fashion they

can't see it all they can see is their

dynamic so so here we have a child who

is witnessing this dynamic between mom

and dad

obviously this child is not getting his

needs met he does not feel seen he does

not feel nurtured psychologically feels

invisible and that creates so much angst

inside of him and here he is on the

threshold of being able to start a new

life or at least try to start a new life

and he's being torn with the guilt of

should I stay or should I go and if this

person was sitting right in front of me

I would try to help him you know ask him

certain questions about where does he

see his life how would he have liked to

have seen his his life turn out and what

he thinks he can and cannot control and

get him to look at the options of

staying and the well the consequences of

staying and the consequences of going

and and decide for himself what is the

best choice for him or the best path for

him to take the problem that we struggle

with as the adult children of people who

are stuck in codependent dysfunctional

dynamics is we are taught to enable

we're taught codependency and so this

child is obviously struggling with an

attachment to saving mom as he has been

taught to struggle with the attachment

to saving other people so mom is

attached to trying to save dad or in her

role or the illusion that she thinks she

plays for dad his mom his hero his

protector whatever his his manager of

his time and now the son is now worried

about mom in the same way who was going

to take care of mom so he's struggling

with the same thoughts and ideas as mom

is with that and so for anyone out there

struggling with similar situations my

advice would be to understand the

dynamic

and someone who is addicted to someone

else is they might as well be addicted

to a chemical because there's and just

as we can't do anything for someone

who's addicted to a chemical nor can we

help someone that was addicted to a

relationship or an illusion or a fantasy

about how this relationship might end up

so it's a very difficult decision to

make but I would say detach see the

situation from a higher vantage point

get out of the basement get out of the

ground-floor get to the penthouse of

your life and look down at it and figure

out from that point what direction you

want to take and understand that by

staying you are enabling mom perhaps or

you were attaching to mom and attaching

to an idea that you want her to be

something that she's not just as mom's

attaching to the idea that she wants dad

to be something that he's not so I would

say dear one do what's best for you

detach and do what's best for you and

allow all others to be who they are and

allow them to figure out their stuff

this is your life experience and you are

only responsible for self mom is

responsible for itself as dad is

responsible for so so my advice to you

being that I've been asked what my

advice is is to love and honor self and

to do what you can to create the most

amazing life experience that you you can

and allow all others to be who they are

and to figure out their own stuff in

their own time I know it's not easy for

you though dear one namaste you are

enough

you