it

BREAKUP ADVICE: 3 Signs It's Time To Dump Your Boyfriend—Even If He's Nice! | Shallon Lester

hey Shalit errs welcome back

well I've done about like I don't know

three four hundred videos and most of

them talk about how to get a boyfriend

how to get a guy to like you how to fall

in love but what about the opposite what

about getting out of a relationship what

about getting out of love you guys

message me a lot about like you know

I've been with this guy and he's great

but I just don't know if it's the right

time to break up but I'm just not

feeling the way I think that I should so

today I want to talk about ways to know

that it's time to get out of your

relationship three things that tell you

it's time for me to move on and I'll

talk a little bit about how to break up

with someone in a way that's number one

gonna stick because there's nothing

worse than having to do it twice and

it's going to be like the gentlest hug

of a breakup that you are going to be

able to give someone right and be sure

to watch all the way to the end for my

happy ending that's where I give you

guys a sex tip and no spoiler alert but

we're gonna talk about [ __ ] today

but before we get into everything just

wanna remind you guys if you have a lot

of question of your own please find me

on the instant go app my user name is

Shallon XO just like all my social media

and click chat to get connected with me

if you don't have instant go in your

country just yet please leave your

question right here in the comments

section on this video for the best

chance that getting answered all right

so picture it you're with a guy and you

just got this feeling like I don't know

I just don't know three tips three

actually like signs that it's time to

move on number one you're using the

phrase make it work I have learned the

hardest of hard ways as I have learned

every lesson I can find you guys the

hardest of hard ways when I find myself

using that phrase make it work like you

know if we could just do this we could

make it work and if if serpent's is just

different we could make it work and I'm

just really trying to like make it work

right now

you're already suck you're sunk yes

relationships are work but they aren't

make it work like that

that is a phrase people use when they're

confronted with an impossible situation

like did you ever see the movie I think

Apollo 13 with Tom Hanks needs the

astronaut and there's this one scene

we're like they're on the Dark Side of

the Moon and all these NASA engineers

are in this room and the dude comes and

he's like okay these are the tools

they've got on board and these you guys

have to make something round fit into

something square make it work that's a

make-it-work situation you know where

you're like [ __ ] but this is really hard

I don't know how we're turning the

impossible somehow into the possible

that when people say relationships or

work not much work and usually when you

guys tell me you're trying to make it

work in your relationship only what are

you always saying that I never get

questions and messages from you guys

saying we both both my boyfriend and I

both my husband and I are trying to make

it work no no girl it's usually just you

and you're trying to make it work

precisely because they're not usually

giving something back to you they're not

being thoughtful they're not

communicating they're not following

through on plans they're not letting you

know where you are as a priority in

their life and so rather than being like

goodbye you can make this [ __ ] work all

on your own you're taking on that burden

you're basically trying to be two people

inside of one in this relationship and

then he's just now a passenger in this

relationship because you're gonna do it

all and that's what we as women have the

condition to do make it work or fixers

were pioneer women you know like we we

solve problems right but first of all

take a step back and ask yourself like

are there two people in this

relationship who are trying and even if

the answer is yes that all that in some

ways might be worse because then that

means you both recognize that this is

not working that maybe there is an

impasse that you cannot get around

maybe it's he wants kids and you don't

ice versa you want to leave this small

town he's happy there you guys are a

long-distance relationship and that's

not really gonna change anytime soon and

that like this making it work is trying

to fit your needs into a logistical

situation that is not conducive to

fulfilling those needs you want to talk

to someone every day in real life see

them hold them kiss them that's not

gonna happen so making it work is

swimming against the tide relationships

are hard enough because you're taking

two people who have two different

outlooks in the world I mean even if you

are just such little twinsies in that

category in every category you are still

two individual people and to try and

meld two lives two sets of goals two

histories and backgrounds together is

difficult you know and so if you are

really like running up against these

issues again and again and again they

could work I have never been in a

relationship where I've said that and

it's turned out positively never and

looking back it's like you want to give

something the old college try you don't

want to give it the PhD try you know

what I mean because again I bet only one

of you is doing that I bet only you are

like thinking and reach now I mean do

you think is your boyfriend reaching out

to random youtubers do you know me

messages I have gotten like private

messages on insta go from guys I mean I

mean I've been on insta go for a

year-and-a-half to you how long one one

guy has messaged me hundreds of girls

have messaged me 1% of my viewership on

YouTube is guys

granted my my videos are definitely you

know geared towards girls but they're

geared towards girls because that's a

viable audience because girls want to

improve we want to save our

relationships why is that is it the guys

are unfeeling and insensitive no I'll

tell you why because Society has told

guys that it's okay to get out of a

relationship that isn't working

they have told guys like that whole boys

will be boys they gotta sow their Wild

Oats

so when guys have a feeling that like uh

I feel suffocated and I don't like this

it is okay for them to leave they swing

too far to the opposite side and they

leave situations that probably could

completely improve if they would maybe

sit down and communicate openly maybe

certain things are just like a matter of

like needs that aren't being

acknowledged but guys swing too far and

they're like oh I want to clean the

house so let's just burn it down girls

the house is on fire and we're like

we're gonna make this work let's pick

out new drapes you know so it takes both

of the sexes moving a little bit towards

that Center and being like let's make

this a collaborative thing versus one

partner doing all the work and one

partner doing odds of leaving tip number

two well red flag number two you have a

crush on somebody else I know this

sounds obvious but it isn't because

again Society has foisted this idea of

monogamy on us and at one point in time

monogamy was not only logistical

feasible it was crucial for our survival

as women we couldn't get through a

winter without a man to chop the wood

and kill the animals and keep the fire

going and defend the little plot of land

we have out here in like medieval

England we needed other people and men

needed us to continue their bloodline

and that has changed so much and you

know I talk a lot about like traditional

sort of I guess gender roles I believe

the man should chase the woman I believe

it is art we as females do so much

already that we don't also need to put

on our plate courting a man but in this

case I'm a little bit alternative I

don't believe that monogamy is right for

most people

like 85 to 95% of people and the people

who I see who have been married a really

long time you know people have been

married like 30 years 50 years we as a

society like exalt that it's like yeah

look at them they made it happily ever

after I look at that and think what are

y'all isn't happy maybe both of you guys

aren't happy and typically people have

been together that long come from

different generations I mean first of

all chronologically they have to we

haven't been alive longer up to ever 40

or 50 or even 20-year marriage but like

as we look at the generations the the

life of a marriage drastically drops you

know like the the greatest generation

like our grandparents age people who

went through World War two and the

depression they stay married a long time

baby boomers most of them are divorced

most from people our parents age are

divorced and then it's down and it's

gonna go down it's gonna keep going down

because I think people are realizing

that monogamy again is not necessarily

necessary and it's not necessarily fun

it's kind of boring but we'll get to

that in a second let's focus on yeah

you've got some crushes on people it's

natural and healthy tasks crushes on

people I am a huge flirt I've been a

flirt since I was five years old

probably four I'm gonna be a Florida

until I'm 95 or 94 104 it's just who I

am

and it's healthy for you we as humans

have very very high social inclusion

needs we need to know that our peer

group around us is responding positively

to us and one way we as females do that

is by flirting it's an easy way to get

positive reactions about around excuse

me out of people and you know bond and

connect I always say that like I have

two modes when I'm talking to a guy I'm

interviewing them or in flirting with

them I don't really know how to interact

with guys like outside of those two

methods you know I didn't grow up with

guys and brothers I don't really have

guy friends like guys are either like an

interview subject or they're like a

target just you know I understand them

but interaction is is different and it's

natural if you flirt it's natural to

have crushes it's

especially natural to have brushes

because crush is usually embody the

exact opposite of the partner with and a

lot of times we focus on this crush

having like one or two traits that our

partner definitely doesn't Tyler Perry

of all people I learned this from he

calls it the 80/20 rule

I love his one movie why did I heard why

did I get married know that oh I'm

blanking on the name you know it's with

Jill Scott who I like love and fear I

love her

but in the movie the guys like dude it's

80/20 rule you got a partner and she

gives you 80% of what you need no more

no less but here comes that girl who's

that 20% and you look at her and you're

bamboozled by this idea of you're

getting this thing you've been missing

is 20% you don't have so you leave your

80 percenter thinking that this 20% is

actually a 100 percent she's not

it's downgrade and that's so true we

have been taught that like your partner

is supposed to like give you everything

that's ridiculous

that's a ridiculous thing to think about

like anyone we don't think we should

only have one friend we don't even think

we should only have one parent you know

we acknowledge mom gives us one thing

dad gives us another brother gives us

something sister gives us something else

and yet when it comes to romance we

think like no he is supposed to be my

best friend the best lover the most

water but he is supposed to block out

every other need I have in my life when

we tell ourselves that we become very

susceptible to crushes and crushes are a

slippery slope it's not long before a

crush turns into a fling and then it's

an affair and then you're in love with

someone else then you leave your partner

for that person and guess what you're

right back in that 80/20 situation

because you are being fed this lie that

this partner has to give you everything

and that's not true so if you can

understand like alright why am i

crushing on drew from accountant is it

because I don't know that much about him

and I feel like I know [ __ ]

everything about my boyfriend more than

I want to is because drew is conscious

and considerate you know and like my

boyfriend isn't a piece of the door over

I don't think Drew would ever do that we

tend to place you know our assumptions

into one person like when you have a

crush on someone you assume every

amazing thing you possibly can

especially if you have a partner who

you're comparing them to my boyfriend is

this I know my crush never would you

don't know that he could be doing

something completely worse you just

don't know when we make those

assumptions as a feeling as sort of like

an outlet for our frustration in our

relationship and we feel frustrated in

our relationship again because Society

has taught us that we're supposed to get

everything we need from our partner and

once we can let go and be like no this

guy that I'm dating is a supplamine but

not everything and I expect like I need

my boyfriend to be really really

supportive like emotionally supportive

to me and when I have a bad day the

world needs to stop and he listens

actually psychologist said that's the

number-one thing you need in a

relationship when I'm in pain he stops

and he listens the world stops he

listens to me if you don't have that you

could he could be rich hot famous good

in bed if he doesn't care when you're

hurt if he doesn't listen to you and

orient around you when you need him you

don't have anything right you can have

just that and still not feel totally

fulfilled without those other things but

if you don't have that foundation you

don't and you can't make it work and I

don't believe you can like engineer that

in someone you can tell them that hey I

need you to like pay attention to me

when I'm calling you and crying and I'm

working I'm having a bad day but like to

me that's a very organic reaction that

someone has to have they either care

they don't and you can't force someone

to care you can't train someone to have

an organic curiosity about you that

comes back to the making at work and you

see - there's 400 million people in

America that's 200 million men 200

million you can find someone who's

genuinely interested in America there's

seven point four billion people in the

world you can find one who cares so if

you find yourself having a crush on

someone ask yourself what does this

represent if you find yourself having

chronic crushes many many many many

crushes this is like a default setting

for you you know what you are you are

red flag number three bored

boredom I have many years of therapy

identified as like my own personal

Achilles heel

boredom is deadly to me when I get bored

watch out because you know what women do

when they're bored they find something

to entertain themselves and it's usually

not something positive

not something their partner would find

positive its snapchat with that foot boy

it's going out to the bars a few too

many times maybe coming home a little

later

maybe not coming home at all we as

people find ways to get what we need you

know and it's not it's not always

positive and it's definitely not going

to be positive if you're not connecting

to the root of it if you are chronically

bored in your relationship and you are

chronically crushing on other people and

flirting with other people and you need

that that is more than a 20% or problem

that's like a 60% of problem and a lot

of times people are bored because

they're not getting what they need

sexually like I've said I have learned

the hard way all of these lessons and I

learned the hard way that sex is the

glue that holds you together as a couple

it is it's the thing that differentiate

someone from your friend or your family

member and you could love your boyfriend

but you don't have those hot pants

feelings for him then he's like hanging

out with your brother which is great but

hanging out with your brother doesn't

mean you don't get to date anyone else

I just realized with my chin if I had

lip gloss with my chin this whole time

great I look like I've been like

drooling all over myself good job but

yeah like I was in a relationship where

I had like no sexual chemistry for the

guy he was wonderful but I'm like I

don't want to sit home on a Friday night

with you I want to be out chasing this

lust within me even though and I can't

and then I feel trapped and then I get

resentful and then I get me and then I

get bored and then I go and I lash out

my Chi it's a bad situation and that

that's when I was saying like make it

work make it work just like you can

engineer someone caring about you and

having those feelings you can engineer

chemistry that's kind of why it's called

chemistry I failed to speak so I

couldn't create it and I can't grow it

in a relationship you know it either is

or it isn't and I know what a lot of you

guys are thinking well but we've been

together a really long time and like you

know this is just how it's supposed to

be why says who

why do you have to stay in a

relationship where you aren't getting

something that you need because that's

how it's supposed to be who let that be

how it's supposed to be for someone else

it doesn't have to be for you

I hear people who like have been married

50 years and like yeah was the last time

they got down ones last time they made

out be frenched tongue kissing I need to

be kissed and often by a man who knows

how just quote Scarlett actually Rhett

Butler but like why why do I have to

give that up and people like well you

know like don't you want a long-lasting

marriage on a long-lasting relationship

not at the expense of sex and lust no I

don't because then I'm bored and if I

know what I need I after my divorce I

had to become very aware and brutally

honest with myself about what my needs

are and that's one of them I need that

kind of like stimulation you know and if

I don't get it

from my partner I'm going to go out into

the world and find it it by illicit

means and I don't want to live like that

in that cognitive dissonance I don't

want to live like a cheater and be like

I'm I feel bad and I'm hiding something

who does that help for what purpose

would we do that

why just say like well we're in this

long relationship we're in this long

marriage yeah but are anything oh happy

isn't that the point how the tail is

wagging the dog ostensibly marriage

should be a thing that we as people

created because it makes us the happiest

but when I look at a lot of people

long-term relationships they're [ __ ]

miserable like when I see people get

divorced I'm thrilled like not because I

want marriages to end because that means

they have acknowledged their unhappiness

and they are taking steps to rectify it

and that's what I want to see I would

see people going out and being happy

they might not be happy right now and

they're getting divorced I understand it

but they're going to go out and they're

going to find a situation that works

better for them and that is that is our

work as people there is no glory in

martyrdom there is no glory in being

like we're toughen it out or sticking it

up for what to get some weird medal at

the end of your life it's like

congratulations you've had 30 sexless

years great you raise kids together you

can raise kids with someone who you're

not married to anymore

that is a maturity issue I I kind of

think in a way like marriage is a

terrible thing to happen to us because

like if we if we couldn't get legally

married we can get legally divorced and

the fact that we are able to hire

lawyers and have a judge work out our

problems for us means that people enter

into things a little bit more recklessly

than if it's like you know at the end of

the day you got to sort this [ __ ] out

yourself you have to be an adult you

have to communicate like an adult and

you have to choose a partner with whom

you can communicate who is going to give

that same thing back to you because

there's no one there's no teacher to go

tattle to you can't run back to a judge

and file a motion because they're not

spending enough time with your kids

maybe you should have chosen a partner

better maybe you guys should have more

honest conversations before you got into

this I think I think if we abolished

marriage

relationship quality and true happiness

will go up that's why I never understood

like when gays wanted marriage I mean

obviously I do everyone should have the

exact same rights obviously but I'm like

guys no no no no no no just straight

people seem happy like the best

situation you know I mean they didn't so

many legal ramifications ridiculous but

like you know I see my gay friends going

through divorces now and I'm like I

tried to tell you I tried I try to tell

you nobody listen so so yeah here are

these red flags make it work you have

chronic crushes you know crushes that

it's not just like whoa I get a little

like thrills and like seen in the work

whatever it's like you need to act on

this and you mourn when they end it's

more than just like a little a little

blip II flirt it's something that you

aren't getting and three you're just

plain bored life is so short and I don't

know life is really long when you're

with the wrong person every night is

longer than the one before you know why

they're so long cuz you're not getting

laid getting laid passes I'm pretty fast

the hours fly by when you're having good

sex right they're really [ __ ] long

when you're binge watching another

season of the Great British Bake Off how

do you want to spend your life how do

you want to spend what are supposed to

be the good years of your life all the

gears are supposed to be are good years

every year is supposed to be better

you're supposed to advance as a person

and I hear you guys you know you email

me and you're so young you're like 22

and you're like well I don't know like

we've been together I just don't feel

like it can break up I'm like girl you

were wasting your perky tip years with

like a situation isn't working for you

and a lot of you guys get caught up in

but he's such a good guy do you think

you're doing a good guy justice by

giving him a relationship where you've

only got one foot out the door you know

what I mean we were just kind of like I

don't know how is that doing his

goodness any justice because well he

loves me would hurt him you are hurting

him you are hurting him in

you're hurting him the same way a guy

hurt a woman who wants kids and he's

just dragging it out because he doesn't

want to decide she might not be hurting

today but she's gonna wake up one day

and be like now I'm too old thank you

and there's gonna be nothing left but

resentment very rightly so

if you love someone sometimes you got to

be cruel to be kind as my mom would say

to meet like every guy I've ever broken

up with not everyone but like all my

long-term relationships that I've ended

they have been wonderful people but they

weren't what I need it and there's no

again there's no glory and martyrdom

you're not gonna win any award for like

sticking it out and toughen it out by

taking a good dude off the market and

you have to sit and ask yourself like

well are you just not going to dump him

because you love the way he loves you

and you love being a dork I get it

I am I am like basically a clinical

narcissist I get it and to let someone

go is very difficult but again who who

are you serving by holding on to this

not him because he's like thinking he

has a viable committed partner and he

doesn't and that's not fair

you're also not serving you because you

are acknowledging that you have needs

that are unmet whatever your needs are

are completely valid completely I've

realized I'm a serial obsessor in almost

every category in my life I will eat the

exact same thing every single day for

two weeks and then be like I love you

peanut butter and banana sandwiches

but I have to move on and like not eat

it again for a year and a half I will

listen to sunflower by post Malone and

sway Lee thirty five times in two days

and then be like goodbye sunflower I

must move on you know but I'll always

love it

it's the same with boys I would like

love love love above them you can be

like the fire is out and I it seeking me

like thirty years to recognize it this

is how I am you know I'm not necessarily

built for a long-term marriage that

doesn't mean I'm not built to have kids

if you can let go of these things

Society tells you you have to do we got

to him kids be married you have to be

married to like

my house no you don't know you don't

know let go of that and then then

reverse engineer your relationship be

like okay if I existed in this bubble

the societal vacuum where there were no

standards no mores nothing how would I

truly choose to live my life maybe you

want to be a sister wife maybe you'd

want to have like maybe you'd be

swingers maybe you'd have an open

relationship maybe you would date have a

boyfriend and a girlfriend you are

allowed to do that you are if you can

let go of what you think other people

are thinking about you and what's my

motto you wouldn't care so much what

people thought about you if you knew how

seldom they did right yeah if you can

keep that in mind you can create this

incredible life for yourself

[ __ ] what other people think they don't

have to live in your relationship they

don't have to live with the consequences

of your decisions they might weigh in

for 15 seconds here there looks like

okay cool well you're not dealing with

it

it's easy for someone to say you should

get a dog you're gonna come over and

walk its ass when it's snowing outside I

didn't think so live your life like that

do what works for you and ironically

you're going to emerge as the people as

the person people admire because you

will brand yourself as a leader they're

gonna say like wow look at her she's

like created this life that exists

outside of what is right and wrong and

what people say I'm blah blah blah got

happy she is that is how change comes

about change comes when we are the

change we need to see in the world when

we take a stance when we create that we

become leaders and there's nothing more

magnetic than a leader there is nothing

more attractive to a guy than a girl who

knows what she wants is comfortable with

it and is like here's my world be a part

of it or don't this is your choice

so if you guys have more questions about

this I could talk about this like

forever so if you guys have more

questions about like monogamy open

relationships I've not personally been

in an open relationship but I want to

hear from you guys if you have let's

let's talk about it but basically do

what works for you separate from what

society is asking of you or what you

think it's asking for and truly look at

what is going to make you happy and go

for it

so you know what it's time for now happy

okay right happy annex this is where we

talk about sex when we get it on and

today we're gonna talk about y'all's

favorite topic [ __ ]

now I said before I'm working on

building an app so that I can do like

dedicated like DJ content that YouTube

isn't gonna be like whoa like freaking

out oh that would be great so my

boyfriend told me about this thing the

ring okay so we are taught to like do

this to a guy right you know up and down

the ring is kind of a better alternative

because you get more range of motion

like this is only gonna move like two

inches up and down this is gonna move

five or six or seven or eight or ten or

twelve guys I don't know let's if you

guys are saying I like given my number

whatever so the ring you want to you

want to use your hands like this you're

blowing a guy but you want to

concentrate the pressure on the ring

thing on this ring here and this is a

little bit looser so I don't know if you

guys have ever milked a cow this is like

an example that resonates but it's kind

of like that you milk a cow by you put

most of the pressure here with these

things and then you kind of squeeze

downward you know you don't want to like

squeeze but it's sort of a similar

concept like you want to focus the

pressure here move up and down and like

this can kind of like dabble in and out

so okay how is this a [ __ ] you're

talking about your hand Shaolin exactly

because the good [ __ ] are the blow

jobs that are like shortcuts okay yes

the word job is in there but I don't

know I can be pretty lazy at work and I

look for as many hacks and shortcuts as

I possibly can to getting my work done

same goes for sex so when you do the

ring you're doing the stimulation that

your mouth could be doing but that's

hard and it's exhausting and if guys

don't know that maybe they should suck a

dick or two and you know try it

experience what it's like for sin so

when you're doing the ring you really

like shortcutting that pleasure so what

you do with your mouth okay say this

this is his penis this is like you know

the top of his penis and this is the

underside of the top this is the really

really

to depart this is their equivalent of a

clip okay and in the womb we all kind of

start out the same way I think we all

start out as females right and then the

clip grows and it becomes a penis wild

nature she's a bad [ __ ] so if

you took all the sensitivity and penis

and concentrated it way down that's clip

and all [ __ ] is supposed to do is

provide pleasure those scientifically

proven it has no other biological

function on your body than pleasure

lucky us the penis has to do so much

like flop over and look either so you

want to focus the mouth here the ring is

doing the work right the mouth is just

right that rule yeah little tongues

swirls little squirrels all the way

around and you could just bob up and

down there he's tough it's gonna feel

like a lot because you're doing it in

conjunction with the ring but actually

you're you're like face range of motion

is small your hand reach motion is

bigger and isn't that better than your

mouths going like fourth and inches and

out and your hand just kind of like

sitting there that was just tiring just

doing that so lazy girls get a ring on

it it works and never be afraid to just

be like done blowing him you don't have

to do it to completion I promise so if

you guys have more questions about this

or anything else find me on the instant

go app user names Shaolin EXO and click

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app challenge

[Music]