When is it okay to forgive a cheater
Relationship Advice! Can You Forgive A Cheater? - Marisa Peer
so when I was in agony on which I was
for many years I'd get the same request
all the time and I forgive a cheater and
should I forgive a cheater my partner
cheated on me should I leave him or
should I forgive him or indeed her and
how will I know they won't do it again
[Music]
let's break that down into two shooty
forgive a cheater well that depends you
know when a relationship goes wrong
tends to be TV well not always of course
you might say look I'm completely
blameless I was just so good and I was
so busy raising our family doing the job
of my partner cheated on me and I didn't
do anything to contribute to that and
that may be true it may not be so first
of all let's ask yourself a question can
you learn anything at all from the fact
that your partner cheated can you look
it and say you know I was really
involved with the kids or really
involved with my career I really took
them for granted because often that does
happen I've worked with many people who
are the cheaters so you know what an
idea I had the best person in the world
and I cheated you know what I discovered
there were hundreds of hours of being a
therapist people aren't looking for a
new partner they're looking for a new
experience I've been married for five
years we don't make an effort anymore we
don't have date nights we're both
exhausted we have kids and a job and a
mortgage and it's just like my partner's
become like a comfortable pair of
slippers I don't want to throw away but
I don't value then I met someone at work
and they made me feel important they
made me feel beautiful desirable
handsome interesting and I never wanted
to leave my partner but I wanted the new
experience and if you can recognize that
the person that cheated is not
disappointed in you they're just looking
for something exciting then you can
realize okay I better put that something
exciting into my relationship you see
we read fairy stories Prince Charming
met the beautiful princess and they
lived happily ever after
I don't think so the fairy story doesn't
end when you get married that's when the
work begins to make an effort to admire
that person to listen when you're not
really interested to make an effort
people write to me and say why should I
have sex when I don't want to not well
that's like saying why should I eat when
I'm not hungry my husband bless him he
sat through Downton Abbey and period
dramas and he finds them really boring
but he does it for me I often don't want
to go out but he's social I go out for
him I think I didn't want to go out to
dinner I'd be happy to sit in front of
the TV and just have some tea and and
some fruit but he wants to go out so I
go out for him he sits through boring
romantic dramas for me part of being in
a relationship is doing some of the
other person and that includes sex
because they know I feel like a
prostitute there well you shouldn't
it's really unfair to say I don't want
to have sex again so you can't it's not
saying I don't want to eat food again -
you can't I didn't want to drink again
so you can't I didn't want to socialize
again so you come I don't want to go to
bed early so you can't being in a
relationship is where you go to give and
don't think what I give 50 percent you
give 50 percent you got to give a
hundred percent if you want your partner
to notice you to buy you gifts to praise
you then you ought to notice them and
buy them gifts and praise and many
people say well I'm gonna sit here and
wait for that person to shape up and be
what I want but your partner isn't so
tell them you know birthdays are really
important I don't want to gift handed
over in a carrot I don't want it wrapped
up I want a cart I was there somebody
for years and birthdays were not
important they didn't care but I really
get how does they look for me I'll it
need the card I need the gift
I need the ribbons I need the whole lot
it matters to me
and they learned that my little girl
said to me Mommy when you come in at
night the first thing you do is go and
play about your message on the machine I
want you to come up and talk to me and I
thought you know you're right she taught
me to make her more important than my
messages they could always wait and we
do that we take the other person for
granted we don't praise them 70 people
on their deathbed say you know I wish
I'd had more time I wish I'd gone to bed
late got up early told that person I
loved them all of a sudden my partner's
gone and I realized I didn't say enough
I love you I value you I appreciate you
so here's the truth men need to be
admired it's really important women need
to feel safe and secure and desire
there's always Lee weathers well that's
not true for my man or for me it's okay
generally men need to be admired and
looked up to a women need to be desired
you need to feel safe and the problem
with the opposite sexes is we think they
want what we want even in same-sex
marriages that happens too so if your
partner's cheated here's the important
question if you can learn from that if
you can both understand it and decide in
the understanding won't happen again
then you can take them back if you have
been cheated on you must go to write a
good look I want to discuss I want to
know what it was about them that you
liked I want to ask you about the sex I
want to ask you lots of questions that
hard and the person is ochita must
answer those questions honestly but
there must be a time when you go right
that's it now we decided we'd have two
weeks of these questions or a month and
now here's the cutter we're not gonna go
there anymore because you can't keep
revisiting history so if you want to
forgive a cheater learn from what
happened be able to ask those questions
the teacher must answer but then you go
right now it's behind us now let's start
refresh we both learn something I learn
in cheating as an idiot but I didn't
really want to replace you or hurt you
and you learn that we weren't paying
attention to each other now we can move
on but there's another question I don't
know when I shouldn't take a cheater
back when I shouldn't forgive well I
believe that everybody deserves a second
chance you know we're all humans we're
allowed to make a mistake it's okay to
make a mistake especially if you learn
from that mistake and vow not to get
everything I did a terrible thing I
cheated I really woke up to myself I
almost threw away and I'll never do that
again now it's okay if you've enhanced
your education but if the person does it
again and does it again they haven't
learned anything she can come back I'm
so sorry and they didn't if they cheat
and you find out they're still secretly
seeing that person if they have secret
phones or the phone is always locked and
they shut the computer when you come in
the room and you have a feeling oh it's
happening again
then your lesson is no if someone Rams
their cart at the store into your legs
it's their forward if you stand there
and they do it again and again it's your
fault you've got to get out of the way
of people that don't care about you so
it's really very simple somebody cheats
once and truly is contrite and sorry and
apologetic you can forgive them you can
both learn you can look at the part you
played even though you don't want to
maybe you didn't give them enough
attention oh that sounds a cliche but
look at the part you played and if you
want to fall back in love with that
person remember why you love them in the
first place if they genuinely regret it
and are willing to talk it through then
forgive them try again I do believe it's
always better to try and make an
existing relationship better than to go
to another one another one because many
people I see leave a relationship go to
another one and they just make the same
mistakes over and over again respecting
the person enjoys more than a romantic
love it's deep respect being each
other's best friend caring about the
other person as much as you care about
you that is what makes a relationship
work I've worked with many many people
who were cheated on or indeed with the
cheater I've worked with many couples
who were so close to breaking up getting
divorced and leaving
he stayed together did what I said in an
hour more in love than ever and have
left that behind
hope you have your answers try not to
cheat if you're with someone who's
cheated once forgiven if you're with a
serial cheater get out leave find
someone way better be
you deserve better than that we all do
thanks for tuning in
gamers appear calm and you can find out
how to go to I am enough calm and raise
your self-esteem enough not to cheat or
be cheated on you'll find all kinds of
audios and hymns about how to make a
relationship thrive how to grow in love
you
