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Relationship Advice! Can You Forgive A Cheater? - Marisa Peer

so when I was in agony on which I was

for many years I'd get the same request

all the time and I forgive a cheater and

should I forgive a cheater my partner

cheated on me should I leave him or

should I forgive him or indeed her and

how will I know they won't do it again

[Music]

let's break that down into two shooty

forgive a cheater well that depends you

know when a relationship goes wrong

tends to be TV well not always of course

you might say look I'm completely

blameless I was just so good and I was

so busy raising our family doing the job

of my partner cheated on me and I didn't

do anything to contribute to that and

that may be true it may not be so first

of all let's ask yourself a question can

you learn anything at all from the fact

that your partner cheated can you look

it and say you know I was really

involved with the kids or really

involved with my career I really took

them for granted because often that does

happen I've worked with many people who

are the cheaters so you know what an

idea I had the best person in the world

and I cheated you know what I discovered

there were hundreds of hours of being a

therapist people aren't looking for a

new partner they're looking for a new

experience I've been married for five

years we don't make an effort anymore we

don't have date nights we're both

exhausted we have kids and a job and a

mortgage and it's just like my partner's

become like a comfortable pair of

slippers I don't want to throw away but

I don't value then I met someone at work

and they made me feel important they

made me feel beautiful desirable

handsome interesting and I never wanted

to leave my partner but I wanted the new

experience and if you can recognize that

the person that cheated is not

disappointed in you they're just looking

for something exciting then you can

realize okay I better put that something

exciting into my relationship you see

we read fairy stories Prince Charming

met the beautiful princess and they

lived happily ever after

I don't think so the fairy story doesn't

end when you get married that's when the

work begins to make an effort to admire

that person to listen when you're not

really interested to make an effort

people write to me and say why should I

have sex when I don't want to not well

that's like saying why should I eat when

I'm not hungry my husband bless him he

sat through Downton Abbey and period

dramas and he finds them really boring

but he does it for me I often don't want

to go out but he's social I go out for

him I think I didn't want to go out to

dinner I'd be happy to sit in front of

the TV and just have some tea and and

some fruit but he wants to go out so I

go out for him he sits through boring

romantic dramas for me part of being in

a relationship is doing some of the

other person and that includes sex

because they know I feel like a

prostitute there well you shouldn't

it's really unfair to say I don't want

to have sex again so you can't it's not

saying I don't want to eat food again -

you can't I didn't want to drink again

so you can't I didn't want to socialize

again so you come I don't want to go to

bed early so you can't being in a

relationship is where you go to give and

don't think what I give 50 percent you

give 50 percent you got to give a

hundred percent if you want your partner

to notice you to buy you gifts to praise

you then you ought to notice them and

buy them gifts and praise and many

people say well I'm gonna sit here and

wait for that person to shape up and be

what I want but your partner isn't so

tell them you know birthdays are really

important I don't want to gift handed

over in a carrot I don't want it wrapped

up I want a cart I was there somebody

for years and birthdays were not

important they didn't care but I really

get how does they look for me I'll it

need the card I need the gift

I need the ribbons I need the whole lot

it matters to me

and they learned that my little girl

said to me Mommy when you come in at

night the first thing you do is go and

play about your message on the machine I

want you to come up and talk to me and I

thought you know you're right she taught

me to make her more important than my

messages they could always wait and we

do that we take the other person for

granted we don't praise them 70 people

on their deathbed say you know I wish

I'd had more time I wish I'd gone to bed

late got up early told that person I

loved them all of a sudden my partner's

gone and I realized I didn't say enough

I love you I value you I appreciate you

so here's the truth men need to be

admired it's really important women need

to feel safe and secure and desire

there's always Lee weathers well that's

not true for my man or for me it's okay

generally men need to be admired and

looked up to a women need to be desired

you need to feel safe and the problem

with the opposite sexes is we think they

want what we want even in same-sex

marriages that happens too so if your

partner's cheated here's the important

question if you can learn from that if

you can both understand it and decide in

the understanding won't happen again

then you can take them back if you have

been cheated on you must go to write a

good look I want to discuss I want to

know what it was about them that you

liked I want to ask you about the sex I

want to ask you lots of questions that

hard and the person is ochita must

answer those questions honestly but

there must be a time when you go right

that's it now we decided we'd have two

weeks of these questions or a month and

now here's the cutter we're not gonna go

there anymore because you can't keep

revisiting history so if you want to

forgive a cheater learn from what

happened be able to ask those questions

the teacher must answer but then you go

right now it's behind us now let's start

refresh we both learn something I learn

in cheating as an idiot but I didn't

really want to replace you or hurt you

and you learn that we weren't paying

attention to each other now we can move

on but there's another question I don't

know when I shouldn't take a cheater

back when I shouldn't forgive well I

believe that everybody deserves a second

chance you know we're all humans we're

allowed to make a mistake it's okay to

make a mistake especially if you learn

from that mistake and vow not to get

everything I did a terrible thing I

cheated I really woke up to myself I

almost threw away and I'll never do that

again now it's okay if you've enhanced

your education but if the person does it

again and does it again they haven't

learned anything she can come back I'm

so sorry and they didn't if they cheat

and you find out they're still secretly

seeing that person if they have secret

phones or the phone is always locked and

they shut the computer when you come in

the room and you have a feeling oh it's

happening again

then your lesson is no if someone Rams

their cart at the store into your legs

it's their forward if you stand there

and they do it again and again it's your

fault you've got to get out of the way

of people that don't care about you so

it's really very simple somebody cheats

once and truly is contrite and sorry and

apologetic you can forgive them you can

both learn you can look at the part you

played even though you don't want to

maybe you didn't give them enough

attention oh that sounds a cliche but

look at the part you played and if you

want to fall back in love with that

person remember why you love them in the

first place if they genuinely regret it

and are willing to talk it through then

forgive them try again I do believe it's

always better to try and make an

existing relationship better than to go

to another one another one because many

people I see leave a relationship go to

another one and they just make the same

mistakes over and over again respecting

the person enjoys more than a romantic

love it's deep respect being each

other's best friend caring about the

other person as much as you care about

you that is what makes a relationship

work I've worked with many many people

who were cheated on or indeed with the

cheater I've worked with many couples

who were so close to breaking up getting

divorced and leaving

he stayed together did what I said in an

hour more in love than ever and have

left that behind

hope you have your answers try not to

cheat if you're with someone who's

cheated once forgiven if you're with a

serial cheater get out leave find

someone way better be

you deserve better than that we all do

thanks for tuning in

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