NEIGHBORHOOD PATROL Episode 1: Meet the Gang

how many times has this happened to you

this is a home invasion robbery police

help someone is in my house I'm sorry

but you are not a priority at this time

I hate tallinn 9-1-1 I wish I could have

something longer than just three digits

and I am done with the attitude I get

from Judy at dispatch [ __ ] can we call

we are your neighborhood patrol unit

citizens like yourself here to protect

you and we don't take crap for an answer

has your car been stolen are you being


let's stop crime together we're here for

you we forgot the phone number

so it says here on your application that

for two years you were a professional

raper no rapper sorry I only put one P

so you've rapes no one no no at all I

mean it's last kind of person we'd want

on a crime fighting unit no I was just

in a rap group for a couple of years so

you were in a gang my name is Lewis Boyd

I am the leader of Larkin County's most

prodigious neighborhood patrol unit I

embraced the name Lewis with every bone

of my body as a child one of my biggest

heroes was Louis Armstrong I can't say

that I will master the trumpet overcome

cancer and land on the moon like he did

but I can defend my neighborhood and

that's good enough for me all right I

would like to call this meeting to order

first item on the agenda I would like

you all to meet pres Preston Dunlap he

is our newest member was in a rap band

for two years Oh like a gang exactly so

I'd like you all to do your best to make

him feel welcome I'm very excited to

second on the agenda Otis you were

supposed to have a speed bump made on

4th Street by now what's going on but

he's still working on okay well that was

supposed to be done on Wednesday today

is Friday that was two days ago are you

always this stupid yes but not always I

joined this team because the idea of

fighting crime galvanizes me except we

live in Larkin County where there is no

real crime what I do for a school

shooting quickly what are some ways we

can cut down on traffic in our streets

right now Phillip I don't know I'm

perfect anyone else we can do a bake

sale cupcakes that say slow down that's

kind of gay fine have to agree with Otis

that is kind of gay it's not like we

need any more pansy pink going on in

this neighborhood I'm just yanking your

or however you guys say it we could put

up some more speedometer too expensive

or maybe more street signs I mean my

daughter was almost hit by a speeder

yesterday oh the hey mom Shh

adults are talking I have been an avid

member of this team for over five years

I bring my daughter because day care is

a ripoff which really sucks because

there's a hundred things I'd rather do

than spend the whole day with a little

[ __ ] guys we have a 376 on Village


let's go you picked a great first day to

join my friend we don't usually get this

much action during meetings got a call

from a distressed woman dr. classic case

of tagging going on hey guys what's

going on here hey Lee Chuck

she keeps beating me at hopscotch you

kids may think graffiti is funny but

what do you think your parents are gonna

say about this how do you know this guy

is here boyfriend no he's my brother

she's being her brother while you're

buzzed being placed on our citizen's

arrest for vandalism of public property

you have the right to remain silent

anything you say or do can be used

against us you look [ __ ] hey come back

here don't really not much to know about

drug paraphernalia narcotics look what I

found in her bag what do you got in the

pig sweetie

hi I'm so sure drug money during a

little brat yeah boy hey what do you go

to my kid nice wine well how was my

first day it wasn't boring I keep my

friends close and my enemies dead at the

end of the day you may ask us what have

you accomplished oh I don't know is

keeping the streets safe at night not

good enough of an answer for you where

your neighborhood patrol unit and we

don't take crime for an answer

good night