it

When Is It Time to Move On From Your Ex?

hey there this is clay with modern love

dot life or we help you get the great

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game.com okay so today we are talking

about when is it time to give up getting

back together with your ex and I know

there are a lot of opinions a lot of

people out there that'll tell you you

know you should never try to get back

together with your ex because breakups

happen for a reason or that you know you

should give up after a certain amount of

time like 1 month 3 months whatever and

I'm not gonna tell you anything like

that because I believe that you are a

grown person and you can make your own

choices in life so you know if you want

to give up for any reason whether it's

like a totally valid reason like you

found out something that you didn't know

before like maybe your ex cheated on you

and the two of you are together and

you're really upset and all that buy it

you want to give up because of that

totally ok if you want to give up

because you maybe you just don't feel it

any longer or you want to take your life

in a different direction that's okay too

at the same time you can also take

anything that I'm about to say in this

video with a grain of salt if you are

convinced that your relationship with

your ex is worth pursuing and worth

saving and it's something that you want

to do regardless of what I'm about to

say then by all means go ahead and do

this as people that are watching this

video I'm going to assume that you are

responsible mature adults and that you

can go ahead and make your own decisions

in life but with that being said here

are a few things worth considering and

worth thinking about when it comes to

whether or not it's time to move on or

whether or not you might

to see where this goes so first of all

you want to take a step back and ask

yourself is it really in my best

interest to try to get back together

with my ex I know that oftentimes a

breakup can leave you emotionally shaken

and emotionally hurt and maybe you just

want to do whatever you can do to get

back to do to the status quo to normal

however you want to really take a

breather before you do that and to look

at the situation and to ask yourself

should I be doing this so you know take

a time out take an hour two hours

however long you need maybe get a get a

notepad or something and and find a

little quiet place somewhere where you

can be alone with your thoughts and

write down what it is that you're

looking for in an ideal partner or an

ideal relationship what is that ideal

partner or relationship like what are

the qualities that that partner or

relationship would have go ahead and be

honest with yourself here you know you

don't need to say something because you

know you think it's what you're supposed

to say or anything like that but just be

totally honest here and on the same on

the same vein also stop and think about

what it is that you're not willing to

put up with in any partner or any

relationship and you also want to be

completely honest here as well - don't

say something just because you think

it's what you should say or because you

think it's what you should want or

because you would think it's where you

know you're your boundary should be or

anything like that if it's not really

something that you're adamant about and

when you're done with this you should

have a decent list of the things that

you really are looking for in a partner

or relationship and the things that

you're let's just say wanting to avoid

in a partner or relationship and then

what I want you to do is I want you to

be honest with yourself about your ex

does your ex fit into these must-have

qualities that you're looking for does

your ex have any of these must not have

qualities that you're not wanting in a

partner or a relationship and you want

to be really honest with yourself here

you know don't look at potential don't

say oh well you know if he were to get

his ambition in order

actually start that business he's been

talking about then he would you know be

the kind of guy that I'm looking for but

you want to look at him as the person

that he that he is now because one of my

firm beliefs is as you found them is how

they are likely to stay that is to say

yes people can and do change but should

you Bank on them changing should you

Bank on them getting the ambition thing

figured out getting their help

taken care of you know finally telling

the truth finally opening up and being

more emotionally available or those

things these are things that can

absolutely happen and people can make

these shifts in their journey through

life but you should never put your life

on pause and just to sit there holding

your breath waiting for somebody to get

their business in order so that they can

be the right person for you if you

cannot accept them and if they do not

match your criteria for a great partner

or relationship right now then you need

to make some tough choices let's just

say that and so that's really important

when it comes to evaluating whether or

not it's even worth it to try to get

back together with your ex because you

know yeah you might be able to get back

together with them but if they're the

wrong person for you because they're

either unable or unwilling to give you

the kind of relationship that you want

then getting back together is kind of a

hollow victory because yeah you want me

back together but you're still not going

to be completely happy with the

situation you're still not gonna be

completely satisfied with the

relationship so do this first and

foremost okay and then with all that

being said I'm gonna go ahead and assume

that your ex has gone ahead and matched

your criteria in what you're looking for

in a relationship if that's so then you

want to start to look at the emotional

connection between the two of you

if the emotional connection is a little

bit shaky you know maybe there's some

hurt feelings some things that happen

during the break-up maybe things that

happened after the breakup you know

intense interactions words that were

said and all of that stuff um you may

want you may need to do what you need to

do to clean those things up you know get

in communication with your ex apologize

for anything that you need to apologize

for lay down boundaries be vulnerable

transparent create that emotional

connection all of those things we've

talked about in many many other videos

in our advanced relational skill series

I'll go ahead and put a link to that up

there if you've missed that playlist

there's an entire series we have on

advanced relational skills and this

really talks about the emotional

connection if if if the emotional

connection is starting to come into

place but you're still you know not

where you want to be kind of a caught in

a unproductive loop of you know maybe

you're just sort of stagnating maybe you

make a little bit of progress but then

you know some things seems to always

happen that causes things to you know go

back to default and then you have to

build up that emotional connection again

over and over and over again it's

understandable that you might start to

get a little bit frustrated and you

might start to wonder okay should I give

up and this is where you really want to

start to lay down some boundaries so you

know for example one of the one of the

most common things that that that people

come to me with is like okay you know my

ex won't even respond to me what do I do

and you know this is where you have to

start to lay down some boundaries now

obviously there lack of response is

going to inhibit the emotional

connection you know once the two of you

are in communication okay great there's

something to work with there but you

know if they're not even talking to you

then that's a big issue and so you know

do that first step first which is to say

okay is there a particular reason why

they might not be talking to me are they

upset because of something I did are

they upset because of things that I said

are they you know needing me to directly

address these problems in order to let

go of that pain to let go of that hurt

so that we can actually have a

conversation if that's what you need to

do then by all means go ahead and do

that once again I did a video a couple

weeks ago now on how to get your ex to

forgive you I'll put a link to that up

there if you need to check that out as a

refresher

but if you're still doing that and your

ex in this hypothetical example is not

talking to you that's when you need to

communicate to them certain boundaries

or certain requirements that you're

having right so

you know in this case they're not

talking to you so you it's not you have

like a really strong emotional

connection or anything like that a

really strong like romantic connection

or anything of that nature

so this would be adapted a little bit

from that kind of scenario but you might

set you might say to them something

along the lines of hey it seems like

you're not wanting to talk me right now

and I can absolutely understand why you

might feel that way given what happened

between the two of us you know I've done

my best to try to make things right I

know that you know I've no idea what

happened to this hypothetical situation

here but I I'm doing my best to make

things right and I wouldn't blame you if

you still felt a little bit upset

however I would feel also sad to walk

away from our relationship for you know

the years that we spent together just

based off of a simple misunderstanding

and I'm hoping that you know we can

actually start to communicate with one

another and if you convey that to them

maybe they'll respond to to that if not

you know you gotta up those boundaries a

little bit where it comes to saying like

hey I really would like to be able to

keep in contact with you if that's

something that you can do great no

pressure I'm not trying to you know make

you do something you don't want to do or

anything like that but please just let

me know and then you know you can start

to up the the the boundaries even past

that if it makes sense if they're still

not responding to you where it's like

hey if if if you and I are gonna be able

to have some sort of friendship or

whatever the two of you agreed on during

the break-up I'm really gonna need you

to at least be in communication with me

okay maybe they still don't respond and

then you then you have to actually give

that fork in the road where it's like

hey it seems like you really don't want

to talk to me this is gonna be the last

time I'm gonna try to communicate with

you if you change your mind and you want

to reach out to me I'm absolutely here

for you but if nothing else I want you

to know that I've really appreciated our

time together and you know maybe just

throw in some like but all nice memories

that are like really specific to your

situation or something along those lines

and at that point the ball is in their

court and you can kind of move forward

knowing that you've done what you need

to do but that's

for another day but basically what

you're doing here is you're upping those

boundaries to the point where your ex is

basically either going to walk through

the door that you are providing them

you're doing your best to empathize with

them and if they're not willing to take

the bait you have to like we talked

about earlier accept them as the person

that they are now for whatever reason

they may not be ready to communicate

with you does it mean they'll always be

that way probably not you know in many

people's experiences in my own personal

experience I've had exes that were

willing to talk to me who have had a

change of heart let's just say after a

few months or years down the road and so

I don't think that it's it's necessarily

like a black or white kind of thing but

you still have to appreciate where

they're at right now which is that hey

they're not ready to talk to me and you

know you can continue to pursue that if

you want to like I said make your own

choices be responsible for your own

actions I'm just a guy on the internet

it's not like I have some sort of

crystal ball that can tell all the

answers or anything like that but I'm

just here to give you some things to

think about and if they're unable or

unwilling to talk to you if they're

unable or unwilling to become the kind

of person that you would need them to be

in order to be in a relationship with

you whether that's being in

communication with you whether that is

breaking up with their rebound

relationship so the two you can actually

start like officially dating whether

that is getting some sort of behavior

that's upsetting to you under control

such as you know maybe talking to other

women or something like that behind

behind your back or being on dating apps

or something like that if they're unable

or unwilling to do these things and you

have given them some slack you have

really explained to them and empathize

with them and shared with them how their

actions make you feel and they're unable

or unwilling to correct that behavior

that is when I would stop and tap you on

the shoulder and say hey is this really

the kind of person that you want to be

in a relationship with is this really

the kind of person that's going to give

you the best relationship that you

probably want as the person that they

are now not if they magically clean up

their

and get everything in order but as the

person that they are now if you are

somehow able to you know snap your

fingers and like magic they would want

to be in a relationship with you again

would you want to be in a relationship

with somebody who would be checking out

other girls on on dating apps or would

be flirting with other guys behind your

back or would just you know disappear on

you without a trace for like weeks on it

these are the hard questions that you

have to ask yourself and if that's not

okay with you then you have to make a

hard choice which is okay pursuing a

relationship with this person may not be

in my best interest and I might want to

start to disinvest my energy from that

relationship from that dynamic and start

to put it into something else I would

recommend that you put it into your own

experience of your own life and really

maximizing your own experience of your

own life because nobody's going to care

about your experience of your own life

as much as you are going to care about

your experience of your own life so

don't think that somebody else is going

to do that for you but you have to

really invest in yourself invest in

living the best life that you possibly

can for yourself and that is going to

position you to have the best life

moving forth that's a topic for another

day but that's definitely one of the

major steps in moving on from a breakup

okay so anyway I hope this has helped

you out once again if you want some

guidance some tips some strategy or

anything like that with your particular

situation please make sure you check out

our website relationship inner game.com

and if that being said let's check out

the chat section and see what folks are

talking about today now I did see that

we had a super chat today so once again

I've never asked for these directly but

my understanding of internet etiquette

is that I must respond to all super

chats so let's go ahead and see what

this one is my ex came over to my place

finally after four months we just

chilled we went shopping together

and she even said that she would come

over again

if she is not too tired let's see is

there a continuation to this one she has

been getting my approval on things

I heard in another video you said this

is a sign the the a sign that she likes

I guess likes you I want I want to

invite her over and have my conversation

about my changes any advice on how to do

I'm guessing do this yeah do this

without making her feel obligated

I would even ask her just I would I

didn't even ask her she just popped over

to my place yeah I mean so one way to

really do this so so that it doesn't

feel like an obligation is to just have

it arise spontaneously and organically

you know it sounds like you and your ex

are spending a lot of time together you

know I've definitely seen you in the

chat section of my other videos and so

I'm you know kind of familiar with your

situation but you know it definitely

seems like you and your ex are in

communication you're spending time

together you're doing things together

and all of that and so when you're

within that context I would suggest that

you just load out some sort of

conversational thing to kind of get

things going in the right direction so

you know again maybe she just comes over

to your place the two of you I don't

know we're having dinner whatever you

can easily drop the conversation down to

a deeper level you know instead of

talking about the nouns the people

places and things of our lives you can

start to pull it down to the emotional

level by using some of those magic

questions that we have which is you know

what was that like for you

how'd that make you feel and you know

the third one is tell me more about that

and suddenly what this does is it starts

to shift the dynamic down to an

emotional level instead of talking about

people places and things you're talking

about feelings emotions experiences

things like that and so what what's

interesting about this level of

communication is that you know yeah we

may not be able to all connect on the

superficial things in life we may not

all have the same sports teams we may

not all have grown up in the same state

the same town the same country whatever

we all may not have gone to the same

university we all may not have the same

careers and so there are a lot of these

superficial

things that you know yeah it's possible

to connect and relate with somebody on

but it's also equally possible to not

have anything in common with somebody if

you try to connect with them on a

superficial level and the two of you

just are on different wavelengths in

that regard

but what you can do is you can easily

connect on the emotional level because

all of us for the most part have felt

the same emotions at some point or other

in our lives you know we've all felt

hope we've all felt sadness we've all

felt anxiety we've all felt fear we've

all felt anger with all felt frustration

with all felt pretty much the entire

spectrum of emotions and you know when

you get somebody talking about their

emotional experience now so let's just

say for example she's talking about some

event that happened at work okay some

co-worker that you know is inhibiting

her progress at work or something like

that and maybe that's not something that

you can directly relate to but you can

relate to the feeling of frustration

right so if you get her to shift down to

the emotional level instead of talking

about the people places and things

she's talking about her sense of

frustration now you can relate to that

you can say it sounds like that was a

really frustrating experience I can

absolutely relate to that I felt that

way when and then you go in and you fill

in your particular experience with

frustration and suddenly the two of you

are connecting more on a deeper level

there's a whole lot of rapport there's a

whole lot of bonding there's a whole lot

of shared emotional experiences between

the two of you bringing the two of you

closer together and as this happens the

point here isn't really to get into the

whole rapport building thing but it's

really just to create the context for

the two of you to really have a deeper

meaningful conversation such as talking

about these changes and these shifts

that you have taken on in your own life

since the break-up

and this is where you can really talk

about those sorts of things right so you

you're moving from the surface level

communication down to the emotional

level of communication if you want to

throw in some of those relate rewards

and things like that that we talked

about by all means go ahead and do so

that's definitely not going to hurt you

it's probably going to help to create a

good emotional connection anyway but

once you're down that deeper level of

emotion emotional communication that's

we can start to bring

in the discussions about some more

significant things in your life like hey

what we're talking about all of this

stuff I just wanted you to know that

since our breakup that was a real

wake-up call for me and it helped me

realize that I was bringing myself to

our relationship maybe in not the best

way and since then I've been trying to

do a couple things to to put myself in a

better position as a person and you know

I've done the following things I've done

this and then this and this have tried

to be more present in my personal

interactions and all that stuff and I

just wanted you to know that that's been

like my experience as the result of the

breakup so I don't know maybe you've

noticed that it's been different

interacting with me since our breakup

and I just want you know that's why and

if you can tell her something along

those lines that can really help to

create that greater sense of

understanding that greater sense of

empathy that greater sense of trust

between the two of you but you know it's

it it can be kind of a gamble if you

just gonna like throw that at her out of

nowhere if you haven't done that shift

from surface to emotional communication

if you're just like calling her out of

the blue and saying like hey I don't

know if you noticed this but I've made a

lot of changes in my life you know it

can be kind of a sharp a sharp

transition from you know wherever she

might be cuz you know she could be in

some sort of like just silly random mood

or something like that and all sudden

you're like this heavy intense guy

coming into the situation like I've made

all these changes in my life it didn't

seem like a real emotional disconnect

from where she's at so it definitely is

probably a good thing that you you know

sync up emotionally calibrate

emotionally by doing some of those

conversational strategies that I just

mentioned and then you know shift down

to that deeper emotional level of

communication and then bring up you know

whatever subject you want to bring up

and you can have meaningful interactions

that way so that's probably what I'd

recommend in that sort of situation

anyway that's a long explanation but I

hope that helps you out let's see what

else are folks talking about hi clay my

ex never initiates but always seems to

enjoy talking to me when he comes over

but is a bit awkward when I

see him at work or he just ignores me I

think there may be some limiting beliefs

as he worries about leading me on and he

worries about saying and doing things

wrong how do I ease him through this

would it be too easy to ask him to do

something fun okay so you know yeah exes

can have a lot of limiting beliefs that

can really hamper our progress

emotionally with them but typically

speaking most of these limiting beliefs

can be kind of pulled back into like one

sort of knot which is them having a

sense of fear a sense of worry a sense

of concern about where all of this is

going in the future like oftentimes it's

because they still see you through a

romantic lens and you know they're

always going to see you through a

romantic one so you don't need to worry

about the whole friendzone thing or

anything like that that's a topic for

another video but you don't need to

worry about the whole romantic lens

because they're always going to be able

to see you as a romantic physical person

that they were you know probably

intimate close with romantic all of that

stuff unless you know someone bludgeons

them in the head with a baseball bat and

they get amnesia or something they are

always going to have this sort of

romantic Elend to which they see you

with and so by by really dialing down

that romantic pressure that they are

probably experiencing interacting with

you

they can start to open up a little bit

more around you so for example you know

he might have a hard time interacting

with you at work sure maybe because of

some things that are kind of still up in

the air some hurt feelings and all of

that stuff from whatever happened before

during or after the break-up that's

definitely a possibility

but he might also have a little bit of

apprehension because he still sees you

as that like really you know romantic

person his ex-girlfriend and he might

not know how to interact with you

especially in a professional setting you

know he doesn't want to be like you know

the guy that's gonna be like some sort

of sexual harassment lawsuit or whatever

all that stuff so you might be kind of

holding himself back and you know he may

not want to give the wrong impression

which is why he may not initiate contact

with you you know he's probably confused

himself he doesn't know like what he

wants if the two of you were gonna get

back together what it means why the two

of you are hanging out and all of that

stuff so that's probably he's holding

off on contacting you but still

interacting with you pretty consistently

when the two of you are in contact and

so what you can do is to kind of shift

his perspective away from relationship

focused towards just being connection

focused okay so that's where you can

tell him things like hey I wouldn't

worry so much about actually you might

you might might start off with something

like this hey I wouldn't I wouldn't

blame you if you wonder if you didn't

know how to interact with me given our

history together however I want you to

know that it doesn't have to be awkward

or weird or anything like that I think

it's best if we just try to be friends

for the time being just enjoy our time

interacting with one another and not try

to put any sort of label on it or see

where anything goes you know it's used

to be friends for the time being and

what that does is that unloads a lot of

pressure from him so that he can

actually enjoy interacting with you

without having to think about what does

this mean where is this going

am i giving her the wrong impression is

she thinking that we want to get back

that I want to get back together with

her or anything like that and suddenly

it puts his attention back on the

present moment so that he can actually

enjoy interacting with you enjoy having

a connection with you and enjoy seeing

you know kind of where things are gonna

go and so that's really what I'd

recommend in that sort of situation yeah

I think we've got enough time for maybe

one or two more questions okay let's see

Cindy says I start school soon and my ex

is in all of my classes he broke up one

month ago we were on speaking terms

until he lied to me and I stopped

contacting him

he apologized but it was not sincere I

don't know how I should act around him I

am in no contact for two and a half

weeks now and it was a four-year

relationship okay yeah so um you know

like I said you know

if your ex lied to you about something

you know you got it you got to make some

tough choices is that the kind of

behavior that you're willing to accept

from somebody that you're in a

relationship with is that the kind of

behavior that you're wanting to accept

from somebody that you know potentially

could be your future husband or the

future father of your children do you

want to be with a guy that lies to you

now you know maybe he had his own

reasons for lying to you maybe he didn't

know how to tell you something because

he wasn't worried that it was gonna hurt

your feelings or something like that you

know that can absolutely be overcome

through proper communication you have to

look at what was the cause of the lying

if you know he just if it wasn't due to

like hey we just don't have a good

ability to communicate with one another

straight forward and in a transparent

sort of way sure by all means you can go

ahead and fix that by talking to him and

saying like hey I think the two of us

need to have better communication so why

don't we just agree that we're gonna say

what we mean to say and we're not gonna

take things personally and if we need to

we can just take a timeout and it's just

you know go off to the side and say hey

what's going on let's talk about this

that can absolutely work it's work for a

lot of people if on the other hand he's

just like a compulsive liar for some

reason he's I don't know trying to hide

something like I've no idea what he lied

you about if it's something like really

major like oh hey by the way I've been

sleeping with your friend or if it was

something a little bit not so intense

like I don't know I can't think of

anything right now like I don't know

I've been secretly planning this great

birthday party for you or something

behind your back I mean those are

obviously two very different things and

you need to evaluate them differently

but you know if he is lying to you and

it's not something that is like created

by a poor emotional context or a poor

emotional container to hold your

relationship you know basically the two

of you just don't have the transparent

degree of communication that you could

then you have to really make some hard

choices like I mentioned before you have

to ask yourself okay is this really the

kind of guy that I want to be in a

relationship with this is the

the guy that I it would make sense me to

even get back together with because if

we did get back together okay great

after the sugar high is over is he still

gonna lie to me and what does that mean

for our relationship like okay great

we're back together but now I'm in a

relationship with a liar

is that is that okay I don't know if

it's okay this is a choice that you have

to make because we all have our own

judgments and you know being in a

relationship with a liar may not be okay

for me but maybe it's okay for you you

have to make your own choices in all of

this but if it's not okay for you then

you need to make some tough decisions

and you need to realize that the more

time you spend with somebody who's not

the right partner for you who is unable

or unwilling to be the kind of man that

you want to be in a relationship with or

to give you the kind of relationship

that you want the less time you're going

to have to meet somebody who is able and

willing and ready to give you the kind

of relationship that you want one that's

filled with honesty when it's filled

with great communication when it's

filled with all of the things that you

want in a relationship but this is a

decision that you have to make on your

own something you need to think about

okay so I hope that helps you out anyway

everybody I'm gonna go ahead and wrap

this up thanks for tuning in thank you

so much for the super chat and once

again if you want to support this

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some guidance or tips with your

situation please check out relationship

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