How to let go of your relationship | Tony Robbins Podcast

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how many times in your life have you set

expectations for yourself maybe you

expected yourself to follow a certain

career path

perhaps he believed you'd be married by

a certain age or that your relationship

would last a lifetime

while it's admirable to set goals and

aspire to find love and connection it's

also dangerous to tie our happiness to

our expectations because when reality

doesn't meet those expectations we often

find ourselves lost confused and in pain

hey guys it's a New York at at worth

director for rri welcome back to the

Tony Robbins podcast where we're

continuing our real breakthrough series

taking you to events like date with

destiny UPW and business mastery where

you have a front-row seat to

life-changing transformations in this

episode Tony works with a man who has

found himself at a crossroads in his

relationship his wife has filed for

divorce and he's struggling to let go

blaming himself for the relationships


Tony helps him take a step back to

understand where his wife is coming from

so that he can find a new perspective on

this relationship

Tony teaches him how to trade his

expectations for appreciation and

together they delve into what it truly

means to be masculine in this trying

time and why loving someone can

ultimately mean letting them go and most

things are totally great in my life and

I work on being in gratitude every day

work on being in a beautiful state every

day and after going to three you pw's

this year I'm just not going to settle

for an average relationship give me a 4

that that's awesome

so I guess to ask a good question is how

do I do a divorce in a beautiful state

and let go of something that I want so

bad in my life

I want to be married to this woman and I

want to grow old and I want to be a good

father I want to be your king and I want

to raise her grandson together and just

doesn't seem that this is what she wants

in her life what's the core issue we

have so much history and you know I mean

there's so many different things in our

history tell me the top two core issues

well I think how we even got together

would be one of our core issues I always

questioned that if she really loved me

you know we we got together in a very

tragic situation you know I was friends

with her boyfriend and she was friends

with me and we were in a pot platonic

relationship and he was murdered and I

was there to be like this her we already

had started you know having feelings for

one another but she was my friend you

know I've known her since high school

and you know I stepped in and and I

guess saved her maybe she never had a

chance to just be herself for so I

always questioned if she loved me and

we've been separated thirty months now

and I know she loves me and I love her

so a lot of it is the incompatibility

between the two of us and what way I

guess a lot of ways I mean I'm just

always on the go go go and she wants to

be at home and maybe I haven't really

met her core needs of having a nest for

her to stay and we moved 11 times the

first eight years we were here I usually

houses like there were cars and I just

wanted to build a new one and you know I

didn't listen to her and she she her

parents still have the same house they

brought her home from the hospital you

know and she wanted a nest that I didn't

provide a nest for her and maybe it's a

little bit too late now I don't know

that but I really my question is how do

I let go of something I want so much and

love so much

and well why do you have to let go can't

you transition this relationship into a

new form where you both still love each

other and what you really have is a

great friendship right now it's not as

good a friendship as it would be if you

didn't have the construct of having to

be a certain way so the question is why

do you don't have to give her up you

might have to instead decide that it's

gonna be a different form how often do

you guys are you guys intimate oh that's

never been a problem we have sex like

high school kids still oh yeah I mean

it's like that's the glue of the

relationship so all the time yeah great

sexual chemistry we said we have great

sex we're you know she served me with

divorce papers on September 19th you

know and I think I pushed it along by

her not really wanting to come and

experience this with me and she says

well can we still have sex can we still

travel together can we still do all the

family stuff together

and I'm like I'm friggin confused well I

mean I want to wake up in the morning a

little yeah so she wants to be around

you she wants to have sex with you she

wants to be with your family she just no

one to be married to you yes so why

wouldn't you divorce her and have

everything you want well I mean I have

been having girlfriends and intimately

Matt I mean everything you want with her

well I want more I want to wake up with

a woman in my life I want to wake up to

somebody look him in the eyes every

morning and tell him how much I love

them and hold them and he moved back if

you got a divorce she doesn't want to

live with me why I think she's finding

herself I think she's really you know

after all these years of being in a

marriage and raising the kids and you

know we've had a lot of we were party

friends together and you know we're both

working on you know being better persons

and you know I'm now out right before

upw New York I was speaking to it my

coach and she said what's holding you

back in your life and one of the key

things I was could say was drinking too

much and I was masking some of my

problems so on the pre Platte party in

New Jersey I gave up alcohol and I've

been sober now for 78 days

and was alcohol a challenge between the

two of you fighting I think that's when

we had some of our worst fights when we

were both intoxicated sure it almost

always for relationship because it's a

depressant it can loosen you up but then

it's a depressant and when people get

depressed they get angry also and they

get sad they tend to go through that

Crazy eight so does so what I'm hearing

is she's filed for divorce she says she

still wants to have sex with you she

still wants to be with the family but

she doesn't want to be married to you

because she's trying to find what she

thinks is gonna fulfill her and she's

saying that's not another man part of me

and she's saying that's not another man

she might be honest she may just be in a

place that she's been responsible in her

entire life for other humans and there's

a part of her which would she be in your

mind would fire water what would she be

as she's a she's a nurse he's a healing

person so I would see an earth earth you

think yes earth compassionate yeah she's

she's smart she's come you know she was

the mom that was always all the girls

could come to her when they were young

we got three boys all could talk to her

and she's a great listener and she's

beautiful she's sexy she's smart she's

everything I wanted a woman is she well

her second one be metal or what would it

be a goal is what I mean by metal I

think gold yes yeah so so think of that

combination is there I don't know if

it's true I'm asking you and right now


I'm not sure you're not sure I get that

certain combinations like that would

make it difficult she wants to love and

be loved but that she's got these

judgments of which she would judge

herself the most intensely but just

think of the level of responsibility

that she would feel for a lifetime women

you know men in this room most men this

room and identity is a positive thing

this is who the I am this is what

I'm about and most of us take on a

primary identity how many men can relate

to this and as your idea to expand you

feel expanded how many women feel like

identity you have so many of them that

it's like responsibility got to be this

way for one person that way for another

and it stresses you out look around the

room the concept of identity which to me

is one of the most powerful forces in

the human personality

the need to stay consistent with how you

define yourself but the problem is if I

asked you who are you Danno you would

say I am first gut response I am I'm a

top realtor on Maui what is what I used

to say okay that's how I would I am just

keep your me answers I am I am a good

person I am I am full of love

I am mr. Aloha I am I'm good to dad I am

I'm a good husband I am I'm a

compassionate human being now if I ask

the woman these same questions and we

hit all those categories she would judge

she would not say does he guys think

they're good at all these things see the

guy takes you to the movie and it's a

great movie I wrote the script I

directed the film I made it happen

but movie me Wow then I take this stupid

thing that made her unhappy that's how

guys are

but women beat themself up with in all

these areas at a much greater level and

you could ever imagine

so here's a woman who's I'm guessing

she's not in my presence I will tell you

when I know for sure I do not know for

sure on this key she's not in front of

me but I'll tell you my hunch and you

can see whether the hunch makes any

sense I think if she is corridor earth

which sounds like it would be she spent

an entire lifetime with all these

identities how old is she now she just

turned 60 in August okay

then she's turned 60 years old and she's

having you know basically an identity

crisis because her entire life has be

responsible or everything at every one

and what does she really want right now

not to be responsible she wants to find

what will fulfill her she feels like

what will fulfill are different than

what she has that's because what she's

had has been there so long and it's so

familiar she takes it for granted she

thinks something else is gonna make it

happen what need is she pursuing

certainty uncertainty variety

significance love growth contribution

what is she pursuing right now as she

goes out on her own which one love and

growth of her self love and growth for

herself are you projecting what you

would be going after or are you actually

connected to what she's after because

what you've described to me in terms of

her language does not sound like it's

love and growth it sounds like she

doesn't feel like she's very what

what that's right she doesn't feel very

significant and she's going to try and

find some way to make that happen

I don't know if it's true I'm asking

yes she's made some really positive

changes in her life and she's got back

into nursing she's working a Recovery

Center now helping people through their

addictions and I think she is looking

for significance and recognition and in

the finding her own way and perhaps she

didn't feel enough of that with you I

would agree with that

so she's pursuing another way to meet

her needs because those needs were not

met with you sounds like love was met

with you you're a Love Bug how many

field is that he's a lot but all these

identities if you listen to them you can

wrap them up until I'm a Love Bug right

that's really what it is so here's this

love bug and what is your core out of

those those powers are hero powers what

would so the would in you and what's

second for you

fire fire okay so you want to grow and

you want joy and then you've got this

woman who's constantly worrying about

everybody because she's earth she wants

everybody she wants the community taken

care of she wants everybody taking care

of all the time and she probably got a

certain amount of connection growth

significance and things of that nature

but she feels a burden and she's not

felt enough with just you and that's

where you failed in this area and so you

have to decide is there a way to still

bring that back with her or not and if

not then how can I have the best part of

my relationship with her and then how

can I pursue someone that will be the

right match for me at this stage of my

life and how do I make sure that the

long-term with this person their needs

are really met see a great test for all

of you that I would give you is let's

just do with you right now Danna tell me

on a zero to ten I want you to tell me

how much certainty you have that she

loves you ten great on a zero to ten how

much variety do you feel with her

surprise six okay on a zero to ten how

significant do you feel to her three

and on a zero to 10 how much connection

of love do you feel with her five okay

and how much growth zero then how much

contribution you to her will you feel

like you're really able to contribute to

her and she takes it in for so if you

listen to it there's only one thing

that's here he's hanging on to certainty

racially how if you see it now let's

flip it for a moment and I'm I don't

have her here so I'm gonna ask you and

you could then ask her this later on if

you wanted to

how much certainty does she have with

you you'll be there always zero really

how come because before we got married

and twenty six years old I just let her

know that I am a wonder less than I was

gonna be gone seven to ten days a month

no matter if we had kids no matter what

I just wanted to be honest with her up

front that I'm gonna be traveling the

world and kind of doing my own thing

that's what I've done and I'm paying for

it now

so well it's not a punishment this is

not negative karma those are stories in

your head that will beat you up and make

you unable to ever have her back

completely or anyone else because the

challenge right now is if you look at

this man's physiology he's beat himself

up at a level that's ridiculous you see

it in his shoulders you see it as

sadness in his eyes you can feel in his

heart even as I speak it he's hiding

pushing back the tears so this is a man

who feels defeated and what makes it

worse is that you're beating yourself up

when in reality you were honest and you

were real and you went out did what your

sense of mission was and she stayed with

you during that time but at the age of

sixty she feels like she needs her sense

of mission her sense of freedom her

sense of life and you aren't being paid

back for it you've actually out of

beautiful years that you've shared

together this woman still loves you

still one-step sexy and still wants to

be with your family she doesn't want to

be married to you cuz married to her

means more responsibility I'm confused

welcome to the masculine universe try

and understand the feminine universe you

are nothing but love you will always

attract women because they will feel in

you masculine strength and feminine

levels of love that make you safe and

yet beautiful to them you will never be

hurting for that and I know you're

obsessed with this woman but another

reason you're obsessed with this woman

you have so much beautiful chemistry

with her but if you love someone and I

believe you do love her love is not a

selfish thing and part of your growth is

a man and I would never be derogatory

and say you're just a boy that you have

some of the best qualities of a boy it's

one of the things women love but they

also want a man and really being a man

as your ability to die for someone you

love and this feels like you're dying

but you're not you're growing and if you

love for as much as I believe you do you

should give her the freedom she desires

because it's what you would want as a

would and let her explore what she needs

with the whole love that you have you

couldn't take it away you wouldn't and

maybe live in the mystery that you don't

like but you need the mystery of what

will be next I can tell you with

absolute certainty what's next is always

better because you're gonna continue to

grow and so she and so your relationship

with her is infinite it's eternal it

will never go away you have too strong a

bond but if you love someone completely

you'll give her what she needs even if

it hurts initially and the hurt will go

away because you realize you actually

need something also but you can't see it

because you've been of more addicted to

certainty you want certain love well

what happened Danna

if you flew to go see her wherever she

isn't surprised her

which might freak her out a little bit

but you made it really clear I've got

come here to do anything but to tell you

I'm so sorry and what we just did is

called hope oh oh no if you're not

familiar with it it was actually created

here in Hawaii and there was a man here

in Hawaii who's a psychiatrist who

worked in the Hawaiian mental hospital

here which about 20 years ago was brutal

in fact many people they put the

criminally insane there and so the worst

characters in the world would go there

and they started attacking and hurting

the staff which rarely happens a medical

institution was usually so medicated

that can't happen but it happened here

and so they had a hard time finding a

psychiatrist to come and they hired this

man who was a psychiatrist but studied

this ancient component of hope oh oh no

and all hope oh oh no is is your saying

those four sentences I love you I'm

sorry please forgive me thank you and

what you're doing by saying it is

clearing what's going on it's energetic

and but this is the way he did it he

never met with a single person in the

prison he had his office he pulled their

files out and he would read their

stories and you can imagine someone

knows a murderer's had some trauma on

their life

they don't just show up as a murderer

and he would just do this for two hours

on a person day after day and then go to

the next person for two hours and in

less than six months they cleaned out

65% of the facility because these people

became heal they never sat down with him

in person

it's a clearing that occurs you felt it

in yourself you can create that clearing

with someone else it's one of the most

powerful things that sage and I do with

each other and we do have the couples do

together I would go and just say to her

I have been so blind I am here to say I

love you I'm sorry please forgive me

thank you you look into her heart and

soul and you say to her this is not a

game I'm not trying to get you back you

deserve whatever you want I want to be

with you every moment but if you don't I

love you too much to try to constrict

you so I'm going to respect your wishes

and I'd love to make leather love to be

with your lip and if you go on somewhere

else I'm always here I will always be

here for you and I hate to go be with

someone else but I'm respect to where

you are and you're gonna do what you're

going to do but I am here always for you

that's my love for you and then you

don't manipulate you don't try to get

her to do anything you know try to bring

her back you don't do anything you truly

give her freedom from the place that

comes from unconditional love that will


she won't expect it from you and you

need to authentically own what you've

dumped on in the past not like as a

broken man who showed up here but as the

man you are right now who's truly hope

would still prefer you're really telling

me your preferences your preferences is

to have her there every moment it's not

required it's a preference it's really

important because we make our

preferences life and death because right

now you figured out meet all your needs

you fought the one person but you really

didn't you met many of your needs to

your children you met many of your needs

to your work you many of your needs to

your friendship you made many of your

needs by being in Hawaii and you've

convinced yourself now because you're

losing it that that's the source of all

your needs and I'm here to tell you

that's just not true

that's your addiction right now so break

your addiction with love


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